A few days ago, I was crying out to God and asking how long more do I have to be away from East Timor. I can sense the pain of the people and I can see their faces and my heart was broken. God spoke to my heart. "I've shown you the land and you have been there and tasted it. But now I have drawn you out for a time of training. And I want you to pray and cry out for this land." Having lived there and seen what Timor is like, I certainly was able to pray more specifically. And not able to go back at the moment makes my heart sick and the more I longed to be back, the more fervent I prayed for the land. Come to think of it, it does not seem unreasonable for God to take me out so that I may developed a deeper hunger to intercede for East Timor. It is a time of conditioning - to condition in me an attitude of intercession for the land; whether I'm away or not. As I looked back at the time I spent in Timor, I could honestly say that I have not spend as much time praying for Timor then as I am now and I was certainly not as serious in my prayers for Timor when I was there than now. Praise God for this revelation.
During these few days, I have also been presented with opportunities to go back to East Timor. I have now 3 opportunities to go back to East Timor and all I had to do is say "Yes" to the 'invitations' and I'll be back to my homeland. I was wondering why these opportunties pop up in quick succession and suddenly, God spoke to my heart. "Son, look at all these opportunities I have shown you. If I want you to be back in Timor, you will be back. All I had to do is snap my fingers and thousands of doors will be opened to you. Do not worry about open doors and how you will be going back. When the time comes, you will be back." How true this is. God is showing me His power in this and teaching me to trust Him more.
I'm not sure why but I sense something powerful will happen when I go back to East Timor after I have undergo my training in Cambodia and also in Singapore; having learnt a lot more about the art of waiting, praying and seeking His face. This is indeed a season of conditioning my spiritual 'muscles' and training for what is ahead. I can sense the excitement in me and I rejoice in this waiting period of my life. As one of my friends said, "Waiting time is never wasted time". Amen.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
A Bitter Taste of Disappointment and a Surge of Uncontainable Joy
Yesterday, I had a taste of what disappointment is. It is not like I have not tasted disappointment before but this one somehow hit it right in my heart and carried such a weight. It's like when you discovered something you do not expect and totally shocking to you and you found it hard to swallow because the expectations changed so drastically.
I must say that it has done me good because now I get to taste its bitternest and understand a bit more of what my friend, H, went through. I mean, sometimes, we don't want that kind of feeling, do we? It is heavy, weighs you down and make you feel so 'sian' and moody, doesn't it? But God gave us emotions for a purpose and when disappointment comes, we taste and feel the same heavy heart.
But if there is one thing that is different, it will be how we react to it. It was tough for me and it will be unnatural(and also impossible) to suppress it by my own human strength. It just will not go away everytime you think of it. So will the method of not thinking about it help? To a certain extent yes but that emotion still creeps up even when I don't think of it. The only thing I know will help me is going to God, talking to Him and finding rest in His presence.
So I went to the nearby park and spend time praying to God, asking Him "why? Why God? Tell me pls" And God understood but He did not utter a word. I am sure He is also pained to see me feeling this way but it has to happen for a good reason and a learning process for me. So I kept asking and He kept looking in silence. Then when I finally stopped, God spoke to me, "My son, you have to keep praying and wait." Ok God, that is not really an aswer per se but well, I knew you are dealing with me so I humbly accept the fact that I will have to go through the grind.
I thought I will take some time to recover from this disappointment but today, God healed me. It is a miracle. I have not experience such quick recovery emotionally before. I have a good time of fellowship with my friends in the morning and as I was going back to work in the afternoon, I suddenly felt a surge of joy welling in my heart. Suddenly, my heart was bursting with joy! I was smiling away and was beaming like a fool and I felt so light all of a sudden. The disappointment with its heavy baggage disappeared as quickly as it had came. This 'supernatural' joy lasted for a few minutes and when it was all over, I felt 'normal' again, as if the disappointment had not cause any damage at all to my emotional state. But i knew it was God who gave me that joy and healed me. I don't know what had caused Him to pour His favour over me in this matter and the only thing I could think of is this:- That He was pleased that I ran into His presence with my prayers and petitions. And that I accepted the matter that had happened and was willing to put this matter into His hands and let Him have His way in me.
Don't get me wrong. I am not putting this as a formula or saying that if we do this, then our pain will go away quickly. We know that God is good, just and sovereign and do as He pleases because He knew what is best. But sometimes, don't we get more burdened by the disappointments we have by not going to Him in total surrender and humility? Don't we get more upset by not accepting that the matter is in His hands and that it is still ultimately good for us? Don't we sometimes prolonged our own suffering by not trusting that God will heal and restore us and close the matter for us In His time and in His ways? if i were to struggle to find an answer to my disappointment on my own, I would become more miserable and totally missed out on what God wants to do in my life. I thank God He showed me why I had to go through this. And I thank Him very much for that special joy and speedy recovery. I believe what He had done for me today, He can also do for you too. Run into His presence today.
Oh, what peace we often forfeit
Oh, what needless pain we bear
All because we do not carry,
everything to God in prayer
~ Portion of the song, What a Friend we have in Jesus
I must say that it has done me good because now I get to taste its bitternest and understand a bit more of what my friend, H, went through. I mean, sometimes, we don't want that kind of feeling, do we? It is heavy, weighs you down and make you feel so 'sian' and moody, doesn't it? But God gave us emotions for a purpose and when disappointment comes, we taste and feel the same heavy heart.
But if there is one thing that is different, it will be how we react to it. It was tough for me and it will be unnatural(and also impossible) to suppress it by my own human strength. It just will not go away everytime you think of it. So will the method of not thinking about it help? To a certain extent yes but that emotion still creeps up even when I don't think of it. The only thing I know will help me is going to God, talking to Him and finding rest in His presence.
So I went to the nearby park and spend time praying to God, asking Him "why? Why God? Tell me pls" And God understood but He did not utter a word. I am sure He is also pained to see me feeling this way but it has to happen for a good reason and a learning process for me. So I kept asking and He kept looking in silence. Then when I finally stopped, God spoke to me, "My son, you have to keep praying and wait." Ok God, that is not really an aswer per se but well, I knew you are dealing with me so I humbly accept the fact that I will have to go through the grind.
I thought I will take some time to recover from this disappointment but today, God healed me. It is a miracle. I have not experience such quick recovery emotionally before. I have a good time of fellowship with my friends in the morning and as I was going back to work in the afternoon, I suddenly felt a surge of joy welling in my heart. Suddenly, my heart was bursting with joy! I was smiling away and was beaming like a fool and I felt so light all of a sudden. The disappointment with its heavy baggage disappeared as quickly as it had came. This 'supernatural' joy lasted for a few minutes and when it was all over, I felt 'normal' again, as if the disappointment had not cause any damage at all to my emotional state. But i knew it was God who gave me that joy and healed me. I don't know what had caused Him to pour His favour over me in this matter and the only thing I could think of is this:- That He was pleased that I ran into His presence with my prayers and petitions. And that I accepted the matter that had happened and was willing to put this matter into His hands and let Him have His way in me.
Don't get me wrong. I am not putting this as a formula or saying that if we do this, then our pain will go away quickly. We know that God is good, just and sovereign and do as He pleases because He knew what is best. But sometimes, don't we get more burdened by the disappointments we have by not going to Him in total surrender and humility? Don't we get more upset by not accepting that the matter is in His hands and that it is still ultimately good for us? Don't we sometimes prolonged our own suffering by not trusting that God will heal and restore us and close the matter for us In His time and in His ways? if i were to struggle to find an answer to my disappointment on my own, I would become more miserable and totally missed out on what God wants to do in my life. I thank God He showed me why I had to go through this. And I thank Him very much for that special joy and speedy recovery. I believe what He had done for me today, He can also do for you too. Run into His presence today.
Oh, what peace we often forfeit
Oh, what needless pain we bear
All because we do not carry,
everything to God in prayer
~ Portion of the song, What a Friend we have in Jesus
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