Today is a busy day of packing my stuffs. This is one thing I dislike the most, i.e. having to move house. As I begin to throw away unwanted items and organize many others, I came across some unknown CDs and DVDs. One of them was written "East Timor Video 1 & 2". The words didn't ring a bell so I decided to stop my packing and watch the DVD.
It was April 27 to May 1 2006. The situation in East Timor was volatile and as the team arrived, we were caught in the middle of a riot. Houses were torched and mobs were walking around the streets with machete. We managed to turn around and went past the eastern roads before it got blocked too. We could see smoke from burning houses rising high as we drove up the hills to Bacau and Los Palos. It was a very sad sight.
The eastern part was peaceful. The medical team was able to help many Timorese and the rest of the team cheer up the villagers with balloons and songs. There were children everywhere - smiling and grinning at us as if they never knew poverty or the state the country is in. They were full of innocence, energy and life - they had so much potential, so much good in them. The video went on to challenge the audience to respond. "God has spoken. Is He speaking to you?", "Children children children everywhere. My heart cries every time I see them", "A part of me was left behind in the village when I left". As I continue to watch and remember the people, I began to wept.
I wept that we are so far off and so helpless to help. I wept that the people have only seen us, their friends only once, and perhaps never to see us again. I wept that there are so many children who will be growing up in a lost world. I wept that there are a lack of workers who will bring the good news to them that all their needs might be met. I wept that it has been almost 2 years since I last talk to a Timorese and laugh with them. I wept because God is filling my heart once again with His love for them. I just wept again and again over those faces - every single one of them, so precious in the sight of God.
"O God. How long must I tarry on? Forgive my impatience. Please send workers, even I, that your will be done. That your love will bind the wounds of the broken-hearted, and your power will set them free. Please Lord. Please Lord. Have mercy on them and on us.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Sunday, February 24, 2008
My faithful God who is always near
It is strange how we naturally draw near to God in times of pain and felt Him so much closer than before. I spend more time praying, reading His word and reflecting. I began to enjoy and speak with delight His words because they meant so much more to me now as I can identify with the meanings much more than before. I felt I became 'sharper' spiritually. Am I in denial? No, I don't think so. My feelings still bother me and yesterday I thank God for a group of friends to have dinner with. Otherwise I would have felt really flat.
But why do we draw so much nearer to God and felt His closeness so much more only in times of trial? I wish in 'normal' days I am clinging on to Him as much as I am now. But each season brings a different thing and although this is a painful time, I am relishing it too because I understood a little better of people who suffered in the past. My current pain is nothing at all when compared to great missionaries and saints of the past but like I said, I understand a little better of what they felt - on how they cling on to God in times of great pain and suffering when they are struck with diseases, their children and wives passing away and various troubles. My disappointment served as an encouragement to me to walk closer to God, and to run with perseverance the race marked out for me.
Like my friend said, "It was not too late nor too slow. It was all in God's timing." I couldn't agree more. It was in God's good timing and providence that I was able to share, get an answer, understood it all, and to love Him better. He had a marvellous purpose, He orchestrate the events and He allowed me to go through it that I might know my heart and Christ better. Yea, looking back, the events that have occurred cannot be a coincidence. In fact, if it wasn't for God's hand in it, I might have gotten it worse. So thanks be to God! for He is faithful and good. Amen.
But why do we draw so much nearer to God and felt His closeness so much more only in times of trial? I wish in 'normal' days I am clinging on to Him as much as I am now. But each season brings a different thing and although this is a painful time, I am relishing it too because I understood a little better of people who suffered in the past. My current pain is nothing at all when compared to great missionaries and saints of the past but like I said, I understand a little better of what they felt - on how they cling on to God in times of great pain and suffering when they are struck with diseases, their children and wives passing away and various troubles. My disappointment served as an encouragement to me to walk closer to God, and to run with perseverance the race marked out for me.
Like my friend said, "It was not too late nor too slow. It was all in God's timing." I couldn't agree more. It was in God's good timing and providence that I was able to share, get an answer, understood it all, and to love Him better. He had a marvellous purpose, He orchestrate the events and He allowed me to go through it that I might know my heart and Christ better. Yea, looking back, the events that have occurred cannot be a coincidence. In fact, if it wasn't for God's hand in it, I might have gotten it worse. So thanks be to God! for He is faithful and good. Amen.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Disappointments and His plans
I don't know how to write this. The human soul is a strange thing. While I know the word of God and have came to an understanding of the situation(and have accepted it), my feelings just don't tally with what I have accepted. It is a strange mechanism that no one knows except the Lord. God met me in this morning's devotion and I cried like a baby. My, I haven't felt so good tearing like this since September last year(where God met me in Timor).
How did God meet me? We were singing, "We will give you glory...and honour. We will lift our hands to praise You. We exalt your Holy name." Can I really do this in this state? I realise I can by the grace of God. Despite my disappointment and what I'm feeling deep inside, I can still praise God. It is a song of surrender. To choose to praise Him despite my hurts. I begin to understand how some people who are suffering(much worse than me) feel when they sing such songs. What a tribute to God. What an awesome encounter of God in worship.
Having said this, I am still feeling the after-effects of the disappointment. Life's like this isn't it? But with God, it is so much more bearable, and so much more to discover that disappointments are simply steps to greater joy. This is the 2nd 'major' disappointment in the space of 2 years for me. The first is foolishness and the second is a lack of trust in Him. I told Him, "I'm ready to go any time. What's meant to be will be." But alas, my talk is not consistent with my walk. I fret, I imagine & I plan - I wasn't truly ready to go because I have not surrendered my trust to Him. It took yesterday's answer to make me realise that.
But it is also in one of my most down moments that God speak so clearly. I have not got an answer for almost 2 years. But in the midst of this episode, I have it now. He said,"You have a calling. You are going." Yes Lord, I'm truly ready to go. Bring it on.
How did God meet me? We were singing, "We will give you glory...and honour. We will lift our hands to praise You. We exalt your Holy name." Can I really do this in this state? I realise I can by the grace of God. Despite my disappointment and what I'm feeling deep inside, I can still praise God. It is a song of surrender. To choose to praise Him despite my hurts. I begin to understand how some people who are suffering(much worse than me) feel when they sing such songs. What a tribute to God. What an awesome encounter of God in worship.
Having said this, I am still feeling the after-effects of the disappointment. Life's like this isn't it? But with God, it is so much more bearable, and so much more to discover that disappointments are simply steps to greater joy. This is the 2nd 'major' disappointment in the space of 2 years for me. The first is foolishness and the second is a lack of trust in Him. I told Him, "I'm ready to go any time. What's meant to be will be." But alas, my talk is not consistent with my walk. I fret, I imagine & I plan - I wasn't truly ready to go because I have not surrendered my trust to Him. It took yesterday's answer to make me realise that.
But it is also in one of my most down moments that God speak so clearly. I have not got an answer for almost 2 years. But in the midst of this episode, I have it now. He said,"You have a calling. You are going." Yes Lord, I'm truly ready to go. Bring it on.
Monday, February 18, 2008
'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus
Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus
Just to take Him at His word
Just to rest upon His promise
Just to know "Thus saith the Lord"
Chorus:
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him
How I've proved Him o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus
O for grace to trust Him more
O how sweet to trust in Jesus
Just to trust His cleansing blood
Just in simple faith to plunge me
'Neath the healing cleansing flood
Yes, 'tis sweet to trust in Jesus
Just from sin and self to cease
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest and joy and peace
I'm so glad I learned to trust Him
Precious Jesus, Saviour, Friend
And I know that He is with me
Will be with me to the end
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Seek Me, seek not the answer.
Where are you going? What will you be doing? When are you going? Are you interested in anyone? These are familiar questions to me for the past 1 year and 9 months. The year and months do not seem very long but for a waiting person, it looks like it is going on forever. It has been a waiting journey and it is certainly tough when I'm faced with those questions again, not so much from others than myself.
Through this time of waiting, I thank God that I have learned many many things which I would not have the chance to learn had I not been back. It has been a worthwhile stretch of faith, not that it is ending anytime soon, but I have grown. But when I look at the present situation again, reality sets in. No definite answers, no definite directions. Am I losing my hearing? Am I losing my walk with God? Not at all. Am I then saying God is silent? Maybe yes, maybe no. Maybe I am just not hearing, maybe I am seeking God the wrong way. And indeed I was foolish when you look at my previous post. As I was asking God for an answer to a question, He seems to be saying, "Seek me, seek not the answer".
That was something to think about. If I seek Him with all my heart, I will find Him as Jeremiah 29:13 says. So then am I seeking God so that I will know Him more and love Him more or am I just seeking for an answer so that I can get out of my present situation? Is my focus right? There is a subtle deceitfulness of the heart in this seeking, isn't it? As I reflect upon my seeking of Him, I realise I need to seek Him as Lord, Savior and Friend. Not as some encyclopedia to provide me with answers; though He does give us answers for our lives and more than willing to do so than we thought He would. So if I seek Him with all my heart, I will find Him. And if I find Him, I will find the answers to all my questions.
O Lord, how great is your wisdom and your faithfulness! Though in my human weaknesses, I fret and imagine the worst, I know you will not fail me. If you have given your only son for me, what else will you withhold from me that which is good? No Lord, you will not let me go to the deeps of darkness without you nor will you leave me aimless and lost in a strange land. You will guide me, lead me and be my God forever. This journey will not be mine, but ours.
Father God, help me to seek you with all my heart. Give me just enough light for the next step ahead. Do not give me too much or I will go ahead of you. Do not give me too little or I might fall and blame you. Lord, guide me in what I should be doing, and if a certain relationship is meant to be. I will put my trust in You. I love you Lord. Thank you so much. Thank you for all that You are, all that You have given, and all the love you have showered upon me. I rest in You.
Love,
Your child
Through this time of waiting, I thank God that I have learned many many things which I would not have the chance to learn had I not been back. It has been a worthwhile stretch of faith, not that it is ending anytime soon, but I have grown. But when I look at the present situation again, reality sets in. No definite answers, no definite directions. Am I losing my hearing? Am I losing my walk with God? Not at all. Am I then saying God is silent? Maybe yes, maybe no. Maybe I am just not hearing, maybe I am seeking God the wrong way. And indeed I was foolish when you look at my previous post. As I was asking God for an answer to a question, He seems to be saying, "Seek me, seek not the answer".
That was something to think about. If I seek Him with all my heart, I will find Him as Jeremiah 29:13 says. So then am I seeking God so that I will know Him more and love Him more or am I just seeking for an answer so that I can get out of my present situation? Is my focus right? There is a subtle deceitfulness of the heart in this seeking, isn't it? As I reflect upon my seeking of Him, I realise I need to seek Him as Lord, Savior and Friend. Not as some encyclopedia to provide me with answers; though He does give us answers for our lives and more than willing to do so than we thought He would. So if I seek Him with all my heart, I will find Him. And if I find Him, I will find the answers to all my questions.
O Lord, how great is your wisdom and your faithfulness! Though in my human weaknesses, I fret and imagine the worst, I know you will not fail me. If you have given your only son for me, what else will you withhold from me that which is good? No Lord, you will not let me go to the deeps of darkness without you nor will you leave me aimless and lost in a strange land. You will guide me, lead me and be my God forever. This journey will not be mine, but ours.
Father God, help me to seek you with all my heart. Give me just enough light for the next step ahead. Do not give me too much or I will go ahead of you. Do not give me too little or I might fall and blame you. Lord, guide me in what I should be doing, and if a certain relationship is meant to be. I will put my trust in You. I love you Lord. Thank you so much. Thank you for all that You are, all that You have given, and all the love you have showered upon me. I rest in You.
Love,
Your child
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