Disappointments and His plans

I don't know how to write this. The human soul is a strange thing. While I know the word of God and have came to an understanding of the situation(and have accepted it), my feelings just don't tally with what I have accepted. It is a strange mechanism that no one knows except the Lord. God met me in this morning's devotion and I cried like a baby. My, I haven't felt so good tearing like this since September last year(where God met me in Timor).

How did God meet me? We were singing, "We will give you glory...and honour. We will lift our hands to praise You. We exalt your Holy name." Can I really do this in this state? I realise I can by the grace of God. Despite my disappointment and what I'm feeling deep inside, I can still praise God. It is a song of surrender. To choose to praise Him despite my hurts. I begin to understand how some people who are suffering(much worse than me) feel when they sing such songs. What a tribute to God. What an awesome encounter of God in worship.

Having said this, I am still feeling the after-effects of the disappointment. Life's like this isn't it? But with God, it is so much more bearable, and so much more to discover that disappointments are simply steps to greater joy. This is the 2nd 'major' disappointment in the space of 2 years for me. The first is foolishness and the second is a lack of trust in Him. I told Him, "I'm ready to go any time. What's meant to be will be." But alas, my talk is not consistent with my walk. I fret, I imagine & I plan - I wasn't truly ready to go because I have not surrendered my trust to Him. It took yesterday's answer to make me realise that.

But it is also in one of my most down moments that God speak so clearly. I have not got an answer for almost 2 years. But in the midst of this episode, I have it now. He said,"You have a calling. You are going." Yes Lord, I'm truly ready to go. Bring it on.